Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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