Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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