I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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