Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
