I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
