I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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