then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
