Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
