Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize