cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
