Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
