1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
