i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
