I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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