Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
