there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize