guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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