i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
