Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
