I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
