Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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