Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
