i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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