I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
