I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
