watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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