The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I can't turn off my feet"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
