How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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