allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
