it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
