She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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