We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
