I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
