i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
