I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
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