A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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