I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
