I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
