worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
