i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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