I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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