I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
