I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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