I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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