last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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