You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize