My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Randomize
