i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
