So drunk, too bad you don't want this
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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