I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
