3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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