I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
