I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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