Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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