He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
