I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
