Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
