I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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