Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
