My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
