She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
