just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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